lesson of the year.

The Christmas holiday has come and gone with the New Year only a few days away. I’d be a liar if I said it was an easy, breezy fun filled one. It was different this year yet at the same time very fulfilling. I felt surrounded by people I loved and loved me, that’s all I wanted. It made me think a lot and of course, like a typical sensitive girl get a little sentimental.

Past few weeks have been very emotional for me in dealing with my previous relationship. While prior to this one I was in another long (much more) stable relationship, for some reason it was a little bit easier to move on from it. It felt natural and healthy at the same time, then again this was a completely different person. In hindsight, I think while we did not work out we did agree on the way we view certain situations and therefore how to handle them. Flash forward to my former relationship, I can’t say it was exactly the same. Today I got to hang out with someone who gave me a very well known piece of advice without even me asking for it. It was just a casual conversation where of course the relationship question came up, when was the last time you were in a relationship? We get into a conversation about how he actually has healthy relationships with his exes and no bad blood but he made sure to not make the mistake of going back to them in any other way. Easy enough right? Yeah… no. That wasn’t the case for me. While I ended my recent relationship six months or so, it feels more like two months ago. While we were not “officially” together, we allowed ourselves to get stuck in this weird agreement that only made sense in our world. Point is, if you are in the present and constantly trying to keep your past involved with the decisions you are making towards your future, it is bound to end up in turmoil. Seriously ladies and gents, it does not work. It can’t. While you may be broken up with someone, there still is an emotional residue of what you both had. You can’t be somewhat “involved” with your ex and try to date even if it is to just meet new people at the same time. Not without someone getting hurt, whether it be intentional or not. I got stuck in this crossfire and had to definitely pay for it. Can’t sugarcoat it in any other way other than trust me you will be hurting like hell, whether it’s just you or both of you (it tends to always feel extra bad on oneself, yes I know).

Even so, after I had to deal with the repercussions of my decisions, a part of me thought I wanted to salvage that relationship when deep down I think I wanted more to fix it all. In reality, I wanted to rewind, break up but not do the whole “friends with benefits” thing with your ex. If I would have made THAT choice I would probably be in a different place right now. The whole break up process basically is you break, mend and heal. This isn’t possible while you are still involved with your ex, how can it be? I think we both convinced ourselves we were in control when that was never further from the truth. Still even with all that happen I think for me the biggest hurt comes from how we both have dealt with the end of the relationship. If I would have never gone back to our “special friends” situation, we would be in a healthier place right now. Probably a lot less hurt and much more happy for each other. Instead, we managed to make a break up a lot worse. This includes a much more bruised ego, broken heart and just an insurmountable words that felt like a double edge sword. That is the truth. I can’t sit here and say it was much more one person’s fault than the other. Even today as I am having random conversation this person tells me how many people make these kind of decisions where they don’t see at the moment they are their own cause for allowing this state of limbo to continue. I call it the “almost” stage. This relationship had a lot and a lot of it. He was up front and said he did not want a commitment yet…. but we were almost there so I stuck it out. Not ready to really be serious because his life is not where he wanted it to be… I thought well I am here still so why not? I’ve put sweat and tears into this I will stick it out. Ladies, this is a no no. When someone tells you their truth and what they want, it is just that. It is not a reflection of you or even a stand against what you want, it is just what THEY want. The big choice the becomes whether you let this person string you along or not, whether you build up your own fantasies thinking it will change for YOU. I say this because a part of me thought I would be different from his past. As much as it pains me to say I was not. He was not ready with them nor me, and that is the truth. I stayed because I really loved and cared for him and thought there was a speck of a future together but how is it possible when our foundation was so weak from the beginning? Life is hard enough day to day but the relationship you have with yourself and your partner should not be such a struggle. It should be a relieve, something to look forward to, a reason to want to make plans together. Not just be together to be together because you are comfortable.

Taking that all into consideration, I think as of late I have been looking for some validation in this break up because I was with him for some time. We definitely were that couple that spent a lot of time together the minute they got together. We are a poster for two people who got attached and dependent to each other really quick. I think because of all that, it is hard for me to be as cold turkey. A part of me wants to feel validated and want to think he cares about my well being. I am not speaking reconciliation here ladies. If we were wrong from the get go, we were just wrong. We each need our separate roads to where we find what we are looking for. Together? I don’t see it happening because we lack a lot of healthy traits that most successful relationships should have. Still even so, break ups are one of the hardest things in life. It means letting of someone in your life not because they are dead but because as a “us”… you both are. It is also coming to terms with the fact that even though you may want the post break up to be different, you are no longer in that place where you “need to care”. Sounds harsh huh? It’s true. You have to force yourself to get over seeing this person as someone who was your partner and realize your team now involves your own self rooting for nobody else but you. It is hard I tell you, especially on the shitty days when you use to find comfort in this person who was such a part of your every day life. Still, I think life has quite the sense of humor and will throw you curve balls that force you to dodge the turmoil ahead you seem to keep walking towards.

So that’s my take on my 2014 relationship, it was a very significant portion of my life so it is pointless to not look back at it as the year comes to an end. We did not work out but I learned a lot about myself and about what I do want in a relationship. Most of all, if you know from the get go it is not right, it is okay to walk away. it doesn’t mean either one of you are any less valuable or anything against you, it is plain and ridiculously simple… you are just not right for each other. That is all. It doesn’t mean you should stay and wait around for change, the change IS moving on to finding the right fit. While it is one hell of a bittersweet ending, a lot more bitter now than sweet, it was another lesson that as a twenty something year old I had to learn.

Gal Pal in Time of Need

Sometimes you just need to jam with her.

“So, I won’t let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won’t rescue you to just desert me
I can’t give you the heart you think you gave me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables
Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I’ll be braver
I’ll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet…”

you & i

I am trying out this new thing which is incredibly hard for me. Even though difficult and not exactly something  I wanted to do, I needed to get some serious space and just clear my mind from an emotional situation. A situation that had me so fuzzy that wow was I making some seriously stupid and regrettable decisions. Still I find myself stuck in this hopeless “wishful” state of mind. I am really looking forward to the day where I stop wanting a certain outcome. In the meantime, all I can do is find different and productive ways to distract myself. Put the focus solely on me. Which I have, and it’s been great in the sense that I am looking forward to all these things I have often cast aside. Still tonight it got slightly harder. It probably has to do with the fact that I couldn’t really push myself to go check out this artist I had been wanting to see because it is such a reminder of this person. So I opted for the “call in sick” card and make it look like I can’t make it . Even though it sounds incredibly stupid just really didn’t feel right being there without the one person I actually wanted to go with. Any substitutions probably would have made me enjoy it less.

Even so, I guess they call it a break up because it is broken. I wish there was some kind of set time for how long you are suppose to deal with them running on your mind or even wanting to share something new with them. I will say taking this space where I have no contact has definitely cleared my mind to see some of the nitty gritty stuff I have wanted to avoid or simply just not seen because I have been in the same spot for so long. I don’t know what the future holds what I do know though is that time has a funny way of sorting life out when you least expect it. I’ve gotten all sorts of advice which I know is all sound and I should probably follow it but right now, I am just following my mind and heart. I shouldn’t let certain situations determine how long I am allowed or not allowed to feel a certain way especially when it is pertaining to someone I love and care about so much. Who knows… maybe because of this particular day, I just seem to be having a moment of weakness, that or clarity. Or I just miss him.

Commit: To Engage Oneself

I don’t know what it is about the past couple of days, I seem to be the “go to” girl on relationship advice. I find it a bit humorous considering I am not the role model for a healthy relationship – nor have I been in a stable one for the past months. Left and right I am always getting advice from different people telling me what I should do or the way to be when it comes to moving on to “the next one”.  Yet every now and then, people open their own emotional closet and need me to listen, I find it that no one has it quite figured out. In one way or another most people, often than not, are scared to enter something new. I think the fear can come from what commitment means. It isn’t simply the promise of being exclusive with just one person. Exclusivity means a lot more… it is an agreement to love and let yourself be loved in every way possible and with all entitlements that come with it. By entitlement I don’t mean that you allow yourself to become a piece of property for him or her, I mean that you allow yourself to be open to being vulnerable, sharing both the good and ugly no matter how yucky it may seem, goals, future … pretty much the whole enchilada. Because if we have to be totally honest, what is the point of entering a commitment if you are not fully committing? Funny because long long time ago I meant this person whom I barely even remember if woman or man, but I don’t remember what this individual told me… “Life isn’t as hard as people say it is. People are the ones who complicate it.”

Truer words have never been uttered.

Dear Betty…

In the past few days I have found myself surrounded by a lot of gal friends doing what girls do best – TALK. It is very interesting to get different perspectives from all the women who are in relationships. All different types of relationships. There are the happily married ones. The engaged. The single one.  And many more.

It’s funny how being surrounded by all these women they can give you some insight on your own relationship even without knowing it. For starters, I have a girlfriend named “Betty” (obviously not her real name) who is actually in a standstill in her relationship. She happens to find herself in a relationship where she finally found love but it might not be exactly the love she was looking for or wanted. I think at some point she thought she did but like every relationship within time it showed its true colors and it is not exactly her palette of choice. So what happens with Betty? Well what would happen with anyone who is not happy in their relationship, both male and female? She starts to realize that maybe, just maybe, these characteristics she is looking for and wants can be found in others. I am not saying she is going down the cheating route, I simply mean through other new found friendships she may have realize that she doesn’t have to settle so early in a relationship that is already not promising her what it initially had. While it is a sucky situation, no other way to put it, it showed me that at some point in a tumultuous or uncertain relationship situation, you come to this midway point where you can either go on or stop? Seeing her in her situation made me realize a lot about my own and make some of my own decisions. Most importantly, I think the key point and lesson here is definitely communication. Whether you are in the beginning, middle or sadly towards the end of a relationship. My dear friend Betty will get nowhere fast with her current beau unless she decides to woman up and give him a little push or scare off his comfort zone where he thinks she is simply content with ordinary or boring.

And yes I know relationships are not going to be exciting or spontaneous or even romantic ALL THE TIME. But just because this may be true does not mean that we should not work on a daily basis to not let that die down. Once it does, routine sets in. Boredom sets in. Wandering eyes come about. This goes both ways, not just the man or the woman. It can happen to either one. Betty is just one of the many examples. One I want to see unravel and where it may take her. While I am always the hopeless romantic rooting for love, I am also a realist who can see the wrong way or dead end sign coming up. So here’s to my friend Betty… may she find her way soon enough, before she gets stuck at the stop sign not knowing which way to go.

& you can always change the ending.

I know I am not alone when saying that I have been in difficult situations that for a split second force you to believe this is all there is. Maybe that one mistake or that one choice is the reason for so many things. I come to believe that this can be both true or false. Who knows? Maybe it is something that was bound to happen anyway. Then again, maybe it is something that DID happen due to a bad decision. Whatever the case maybe, we cannot dwell on it or even worse,  believe this moment is all we are. That our life is doomed and we have no choice but to accept that. If anything, life with all its good and bad experiences has taught me the opposite. You really are the the author of the book and that means you have it in you to change or steer the course any which way you want. It may seem impossible at times, trust me I know. I have my moments where I feel like I am obligated to stay in a corner and be content with such notions of life. Nothing could be more false. I, along with other individuals around me, have seen what the human spirit can pull itself through. Not giving up. Not giving in to the idea of quitting or allowing yourself to become another sad statistic. Why? Because if we have anything in this one life is the power and ability to be able to rewrite our story if we don’t like it. That, I believe to be true above everything else.

So said Sir Newton.

 

“For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”…  said the famous Isaac Newton.  I don’t know if he was solely relating that to physics and mathematics but it can be applied to every day life.  Sitting around “wishing”, “dreaming”, or “hoping” something could happen that IS within your reach is a waste of time.  It takes every part of you to go for what you want. It is simple to just want things but if we don’t take the necessary actions, might as well just lay around and watch life pass you by. A recent life lesson I have learned  – learning – is that the biggest reward you get is not from others but yourself. Even when it comes to helping, sadly some people will not feel thankful but instead look at you as if your duty to do it with nothing in return. While this may be downright rude, there is truth to it. Hey even the big G above said that sometimes you have to commit kind acts and expect nothing in return.  Of course, we are not divine, we are human beings and we WANT to feel that special feeling but like I said, I am learning that just comes from inside. Be satisfied with yourself and what you are doing.  In time, your efforts will pay off.  As for other people, to each his own.