The Christmas holiday has come and gone with the New Year only a few days away. I’d be a liar if I said it was an easy, breezy fun filled one. It was different this year yet at the same time very fulfilling. I felt surrounded by people I loved and loved me, that’s all I wanted. It made me think a lot and of course, like a typical sensitive girl get a little sentimental.
Past few weeks have been very emotional for me in dealing with my previous relationship. While prior to this one I was in another long (much more) stable relationship, for some reason it was a little bit easier to move on from it. It felt natural and healthy at the same time, then again this was a completely different person. In hindsight, I think while we did not work out we did agree on the way we view certain situations and therefore how to handle them. Flash forward to my former relationship, I can’t say it was exactly the same. Today I got to hang out with someone who gave me a very well known piece of advice without even me asking for it. It was just a casual conversation where of course the relationship question came up, when was the last time you were in a relationship? We get into a conversation about how he actually has healthy relationships with his exes and no bad blood but he made sure to not make the mistake of going back to them in any other way. Easy enough right? Yeah… no. That wasn’t the case for me. While I ended my recent relationship six months or so, it feels more like two months ago. While we were not “officially” together, we allowed ourselves to get stuck in this weird agreement that only made sense in our world. Point is, if you are in the present and constantly trying to keep your past involved with the decisions you are making towards your future, it is bound to end up in turmoil. Seriously ladies and gents, it does not work. It can’t. While you may be broken up with someone, there still is an emotional residue of what you both had. You can’t be somewhat “involved” with your ex and try to date even if it is to just meet new people at the same time. Not without someone getting hurt, whether it be intentional or not. I got stuck in this crossfire and had to definitely pay for it. Can’t sugarcoat it in any other way other than trust me you will be hurting like hell, whether it’s just you or both of you (it tends to always feel extra bad on oneself, yes I know).
Even so, after I had to deal with the repercussions of my decisions, a part of me thought I wanted to salvage that relationship when deep down I think I wanted more to fix it all. In reality, I wanted to rewind, break up but not do the whole “friends with benefits” thing with your ex. If I would have made THAT choice I would probably be in a different place right now. The whole break up process basically is you break, mend and heal. This isn’t possible while you are still involved with your ex, how can it be? I think we both convinced ourselves we were in control when that was never further from the truth. Still even with all that happen I think for me the biggest hurt comes from how we both have dealt with the end of the relationship. If I would have never gone back to our “special friends” situation, we would be in a healthier place right now. Probably a lot less hurt and much more happy for each other. Instead, we managed to make a break up a lot worse. This includes a much more bruised ego, broken heart and just an insurmountable words that felt like a double edge sword. That is the truth. I can’t sit here and say it was much more one person’s fault than the other. Even today as I am having random conversation this person tells me how many people make these kind of decisions where they don’t see at the moment they are their own cause for allowing this state of limbo to continue. I call it the “almost” stage. This relationship had a lot and a lot of it. He was up front and said he did not want a commitment yet…. but we were almost there so I stuck it out. Not ready to really be serious because his life is not where he wanted it to be… I thought well I am here still so why not? I’ve put sweat and tears into this I will stick it out. Ladies, this is a no no. When someone tells you their truth and what they want, it is just that. It is not a reflection of you or even a stand against what you want, it is just what THEY want. The big choice the becomes whether you let this person string you along or not, whether you build up your own fantasies thinking it will change for YOU. I say this because a part of me thought I would be different from his past. As much as it pains me to say I was not. He was not ready with them nor me, and that is the truth. I stayed because I really loved and cared for him and thought there was a speck of a future together but how is it possible when our foundation was so weak from the beginning? Life is hard enough day to day but the relationship you have with yourself and your partner should not be such a struggle. It should be a relieve, something to look forward to, a reason to want to make plans together. Not just be together to be together because you are comfortable.
Taking that all into consideration, I think as of late I have been looking for some validation in this break up because I was with him for some time. We definitely were that couple that spent a lot of time together the minute they got together. We are a poster for two people who got attached and dependent to each other really quick. I think because of all that, it is hard for me to be as cold turkey. A part of me wants to feel validated and want to think he cares about my well being. I am not speaking reconciliation here ladies. If we were wrong from the get go, we were just wrong. We each need our separate roads to where we find what we are looking for. Together? I don’t see it happening because we lack a lot of healthy traits that most successful relationships should have. Still even so, break ups are one of the hardest things in life. It means letting of someone in your life not because they are dead but because as a “us”… you both are. It is also coming to terms with the fact that even though you may want the post break up to be different, you are no longer in that place where you “need to care”. Sounds harsh huh? It’s true. You have to force yourself to get over seeing this person as someone who was your partner and realize your team now involves your own self rooting for nobody else but you. It is hard I tell you, especially on the shitty days when you use to find comfort in this person who was such a part of your every day life. Still, I think life has quite the sense of humor and will throw you curve balls that force you to dodge the turmoil ahead you seem to keep walking towards.
So that’s my take on my 2014 relationship, it was a very significant portion of my life so it is pointless to not look back at it as the year comes to an end. We did not work out but I learned a lot about myself and about what I do want in a relationship. Most of all, if you know from the get go it is not right, it is okay to walk away. it doesn’t mean either one of you are any less valuable or anything against you, it is plain and ridiculously simple… you are just not right for each other. That is all. It doesn’t mean you should stay and wait around for change, the change IS moving on to finding the right fit. While it is one hell of a bittersweet ending, a lot more bitter now than sweet, it was another lesson that as a twenty something year old I had to learn.
On The Rocks 