Accountability

They say a break up is like mourning a death and therefore we often compare it like going through The 7 Stages of Grieving a Breakup. If these are are true, then I was certainly stuck in the relapse stage for a couple of months, years too long. I did not want to admit it was over and thought the amount of time I had invested in wanting us to work out was so powerful that it would overcome anything. I bargained a lot of myself and what I wanted from this individual only to realize that I was like an addict who did not want to let go of the drug and anything to have it would just have to do. This meant a long road of resentment. Intense resentment. Without noticing, I began to change and lose myself along with my values because I wanted this guy to stick. Or like most women, I thought I could fix him and all his underlying issues that seem a thing of the past.

Not the case. I am not the exception to the rule and truth be told, most women are not. We like to believe we are. The Mother Theresa of fixing guys with constant conflicting issues does not exist. I don’t say this to be rude towards him or pity myself – quite the contrary – I say this wholeheartedly to make myself accountable for the mistakes I made in my past relationship that lasted four years too long. For instance, if you have not forgiven someone for their mistakes, resentment will build no matter how hard you do your best to put in double the effort for you both. I say this because if the other side is not truly sorry and makes amends for their wrongs, then they are not really asking for your forgiveness. You are probably pretending to just do it. Love doesn’t work that way and if you lie to yourself like you did, you will slowly become someone else you don’t recognize and honestly, that they don’t want to be with.

I learned A LOT from this relationship. My main problem is I kept relapsing and going back thinking I can make all the changes then act all shocked and hurt when nothing changed. Still I can sit here and wallow in that or I can hurt now and get it over with. I chose the second this time around. I will say this… Now I know why I kept going back.

Taking the hard road is that exactly…. HARD. For some reason, I thought because of all the shit we’ve been through it be somewhat easier. It hasn’t been. Not one bit. It does not make me miss him less, want him less or you got it – love him less. I read this The 5 Not-So-Pretty (But Totally Normal) Stages Of Breakup Grief and I would say I am now between #3 and #4 on a day to day basis. I go from being so mad (at myself mostly) to thinking that madness will overcome the fact that I still miss him, and then yup you guessed it, waterworks! Still if I have learned one thing about breaking up is this… you need to seriously let it out. Let it the eff out. Holding it in will make you do what I have done continuously which is to think it is better to go back to what caused you to feel this way in the first place.

With all that said, a break up is not symptomatic to everything your relationship once was. What it can be is a result of what did not work during that whole time despite your effort, sweat and tears. With that said, I know now be it a good (do these exist?) or bad breakup, you should definitely treat it as a loss. In a way, unless later on you are able to somehow maintain a friendship, you are losing your best friend and confidant. That ladies and gents, just plain sucks. It does.

Again I guess I am writing this and being extremely honest because in case I ever deter, regret or just plain feel down… I remind myself why it happen. If you gave it your all like me, I will say this… You are going to feel very shitty now. You are going to want to call him or her. At the end of the day, if it is not mutual in wanting to fix what you both thought you had for a better future, you WILL never hear or get what you want. It is better to face that tune and then get a new song.That record is scratched. Had to go cheesy there.

With that said, can’t wait to reach the last stage but I am taking my time and getting it right this time around. I know when I get there I will be grateful to what I got out of this past relationship even if it doesn’t seem like that in this particular moment. Just remember if we do not feel the bitter at times, we can’t get to the sweet (yeah yeah Vanilla Sky).

 

 

Ask & At 30th You Shall Receive

Yes the dreaded 3-0 is here. I have arrived to the third floor and been force to shed off my 20s. I knew this day would come and now it is here, but not without its harsh lessons, clear future and kind of a tug of what life really is… as oppose to what my hopeless romantic 20 idealistic self thought. It is a bittersweet feeling turning 30, it means you are no longer the twenty something who can get away with it simply because you are at that age. At the same time, it is an age of realization. I figured throughout my twenties that maybe I am not on the path I set out to initially be because of decisions I made on my own. Some of them right, but a lot were wrong.

Career wise I wish I would have had a bigger sense of urgency to know that I wanted more. This probably would have pushed me to start early on, but I was a little too busy preoccupied in other reckless twenty something schemes. Love? What can I say about that… I have chosen some people who were not wrong for me, something I may have known from the start. This was either based on their actions or ironically at times, the guy being honest and saying “I don’t want a relationship with you”. Then there is admitting your own fault in relationships you’ve been in, forgiving yourself and saying ‘hey I’m human’ instead of punishing yourself or worse, allowing others to do so. Friendships? Some have become stronger which I treasure so much. Others? Kind of gone or in the process of dying. Trust is another biggie… people will lie to you and it will hurt. It will hurt like hell but it is the moment where you need to ‘let go and live’. There is no other choice. Spitefulness is not the answer towards any of it, that will only result in you feeling like a bigger asshole for intentionally hurting the other one. Patience? You learn to let that one grow and to pick your battles. I am stubborn as hell and know for sure this one is the hardest one for me. There are so many moments I wish I could go back and tell little twenty something me “loosen that grip, something better is coming along”. Another lesson for me and till this day is another bittersweet one is the uncertainty that comes with getting older. You don’t know what will happen and as much as you plan or try to defend yourself from whatever life will throw at you, at the end of the day you really just don’t know.

I will always have questions that I know don’t have answers, but hopefully my 30s will teach me to live those questions out instead of sitting, pondering about the many possible answers. The biggest one of all will always be losing my father, I will never find the reason for that one and even if I did, something tells me I probably would not believe it. Just like I will never understand why I didn’t listen to my inner voice when choosing a career path I initially wanted and instead opted to go to what I thought would be the “sure thing” aka safe road. And yes what is it all without love, I will never know the answer if certain relationships I have been in really had a point? I mean did I really have to be with Mr. Wrong for that long? Was Mr. Wrong in fact, Mr. Right? Was it me all along who has the problem? Who knows… but 30s are for saying screw it, throw your hands in the air and keep walking. All this is now stuff of the past and while I wish I was woman enough to say I will forgive and forget some of it, I am woman by admitting I won’t forget it all and instead, will allow it to make me that much stronger.

So while I have kicked and screamed at the thought of becoming 30, I have to now celebrate myself for the individual I am and allow myself to be celebrated by others the way I deserve to be whether it relates to career, love or anything life may decide to hit me with this upcoming decade.

Commit: To Engage Oneself

I don’t know what it is about the past couple of days, I seem to be the “go to” girl on relationship advice. I find it a bit humorous considering I am not the role model for a healthy relationship – nor have I been in a stable one for the past months. Left and right I am always getting advice from different people telling me what I should do or the way to be when it comes to moving on to “the next one”.  Yet every now and then, people open their own emotional closet and need me to listen, I find it that no one has it quite figured out. In one way or another most people, often than not, are scared to enter something new. I think the fear can come from what commitment means. It isn’t simply the promise of being exclusive with just one person. Exclusivity means a lot more… it is an agreement to love and let yourself be loved in every way possible and with all entitlements that come with it. By entitlement I don’t mean that you allow yourself to become a piece of property for him or her, I mean that you allow yourself to be open to being vulnerable, sharing both the good and ugly no matter how yucky it may seem, goals, future … pretty much the whole enchilada. Because if we have to be totally honest, what is the point of entering a commitment if you are not fully committing? Funny because long long time ago I meant this person whom I barely even remember if woman or man, but I don’t remember what this individual told me… “Life isn’t as hard as people say it is. People are the ones who complicate it.”

Truer words have never been uttered.

& you can always change the ending.

I know I am not alone when saying that I have been in difficult situations that for a split second force you to believe this is all there is. Maybe that one mistake or that one choice is the reason for so many things. I come to believe that this can be both true or false. Who knows? Maybe it is something that was bound to happen anyway. Then again, maybe it is something that DID happen due to a bad decision. Whatever the case maybe, we cannot dwell on it or even worse,  believe this moment is all we are. That our life is doomed and we have no choice but to accept that. If anything, life with all its good and bad experiences has taught me the opposite. You really are the the author of the book and that means you have it in you to change or steer the course any which way you want. It may seem impossible at times, trust me I know. I have my moments where I feel like I am obligated to stay in a corner and be content with such notions of life. Nothing could be more false. I, along with other individuals around me, have seen what the human spirit can pull itself through. Not giving up. Not giving in to the idea of quitting or allowing yourself to become another sad statistic. Why? Because if we have anything in this one life is the power and ability to be able to rewrite our story if we don’t like it. That, I believe to be true above everything else.

Judge Yourself

Certain times in your life you are presented with a situation where you can’t help but think a contradicting notion – I am both way too old and way too young for this. It’s that line in the middle where instead of wanting to go with either options, you rather create your own option. Is it instinct or your gut telling you to go a certain way? I don’t know. All I know up to now, is that you are going to encounter situations in your life where it is okay to feel how you do. You should not feel guilty or dumb, or even that you are wrong for this just because someone else says it. Only person who knows you best is yourself.

We live in a world full of people who like to play the role of judge. Everyone wants to hold the gavel and have an opinion of what they think is right or wrong for you with no regards to your truth but only their own. Now I am not saying you shouldn’t listen to people, I am simply saying to take their opinions into consideration (if you want to) but be your own person and go with your own. These people who cast judgment usually live in a world where only their truth is the right way and what you do or say does not matter. These particular folk are a hard bunch to change so there are times where you can either stress it or realize it is not up to you to try to change THEIR opinion or perspectives on life but your own. Spending so much time getting your point or feeling across can be a waste time in these scenarios. The cliche actions speaks louder than words exists for a reason.