you & i

I am trying out this new thing which is incredibly hard for me. Even though difficult and not exactly something  I wanted to do, I needed to get some serious space and just clear my mind from an emotional situation. A situation that had me so fuzzy that wow was I making some seriously stupid and regrettable decisions. Still I find myself stuck in this hopeless “wishful” state of mind. I am really looking forward to the day where I stop wanting a certain outcome. In the meantime, all I can do is find different and productive ways to distract myself. Put the focus solely on me. Which I have, and it’s been great in the sense that I am looking forward to all these things I have often cast aside. Still tonight it got slightly harder. It probably has to do with the fact that I couldn’t really push myself to go check out this artist I had been wanting to see because it is such a reminder of this person. So I opted for the “call in sick” card and make it look like I can’t make it . Even though it sounds incredibly stupid just really didn’t feel right being there without the one person I actually wanted to go with. Any substitutions probably would have made me enjoy it less.

Even so, I guess they call it a break up because it is broken. I wish there was some kind of set time for how long you are suppose to deal with them running on your mind or even wanting to share something new with them. I will say taking this space where I have no contact has definitely cleared my mind to see some of the nitty gritty stuff I have wanted to avoid or simply just not seen because I have been in the same spot for so long. I don’t know what the future holds what I do know though is that time has a funny way of sorting life out when you least expect it. I’ve gotten all sorts of advice which I know is all sound and I should probably follow it but right now, I am just following my mind and heart. I shouldn’t let certain situations determine how long I am allowed or not allowed to feel a certain way especially when it is pertaining to someone I love and care about so much. Who knows… maybe because of this particular day, I just seem to be having a moment of weakness, that or clarity. Or I just miss him.