Presently…

It’s been a while since I sat down and write a little about what’s going on with me, just let it out into the world.

Let’s see… since my heartbreaking break-up (oxymoron I know) I have been focusing a lot on myself (and how cliche). This means I have to look down deep inside into all the nitty gritty stuff I haven’t wanted to face in a while because let’s face it, I was kinda sorta in denial. Okay no I was.

Post break-up has been enlightening. It pushed me to look at other areas of my life that needed some looking into for a while now. Sometimes when relationships don’t work they open up that door or turn on that light to the other relationship; I am talking about that relationship you have with yourself. This is what I did. I won’t go into all the details just yet but sometimes you need to really work on putting these little things that bother you out there. I don’t mean blogging I mean like really learning to let go of it instead of dwelling. I was dwelling for a while more than I was aware or if we are being honest, more than I care to admit. For instance, relationship wise I think for some time I knew mine with my ex was over. I kept wanting to make it work but did not realize I didn’t want to let go and admit what we had was broken and maybe not easy to repair. Other areas of my life, like family, I am coming to terms that I still miss my father and never really let myself grieve his passing. Years and years later I can FINALLY admit that. Career wise, I do not have it all figured out yet, actually not one hell of a bit. Right now I am okay with all of this because I am finally admitting it and instead of sitting there and comparing myself to others and where I am not I am just looking at it as “this is what it is”. Live through it and see what comes after instead of focusing so much on what isn’t there. What’s the point? It is not there!

So what am I doing now? I am facing life and all of this, dealing with each particular aspect day by day and in some strange way… loving and taking in every minute of it. Next move, I am going to be doing a little traveling. Get some worldly experience and just explore a little. Then I plan to come and figure out what I want the next step of my life to really be.

Each day at a time. Embracing every single second, minute, day as it comes and stop with the “why am I not where they are” or the “ugh if I didn’t do this, my life would be…” because at the end of the day, there is no point in dwelling something that ALREADY it happen. It happened – past tense. All I or anyone, in most cases, can do is be present.

Fast Forward

Alright so where am I from my depressing post last week? Definitely in a different place. If time heals all wounds and helps you think clearly then I am approaching just that.

“I cannot tell a lie…” like the famous George Washington said, I still miss my ex. Even so, I am in a much better place and I can feel it. I am starting to feel good about certain things in my life and things I want for myself despite the whole feeling of missing him. To sit here and say I don’t would be complete bull. Still, I have had sort of a cool week. I have been able to focus and work on so much that I might have not done in the past or put aside. In addition, yes this is a cliche, I am going to the gym and working on taking some classes. Hey, if you are going to go through something tough like a break up why not put some of that juice to good use. You know the saying, life gives you lemons make lemonade or maybe a margarita? LOL wow I am full of the cheesy one liners today. Even on the drinking note, I have been the sober one for some time now, more so just to be able to have my head on straight and not let my thoughts get the best of me. Being a homebody has its perks where you can just feel how you do and no one can tell you other wise. Once I started to shed some of that and look forward, I have been getting excited about different things. I mean things I did not even realize I wanted. Possibilities I did not realize I had.

Why? It is not all due to the break up but maybe who you were in a certain relationship. Me, for instance, I was someone who didn’t know was putting a lot of plans and opportunities on hold because I wanted my significant other to catch up not really knowing what it meant that he is just in a whole different place and space. Any who back to me, being on my own comes with a certain freedom I never took into consideration. I saw it as a bad thing when it is anything but that. I am starting to see how much I wanted to do just for myself. See that is the thing about relationships… if you get lost in them in an unhealthy way, you lose a sense of who you are and become your own obstacle.

So where am I now? I am a work in progress. I am enjoying my newfound freedom and everything that comes with it. Aaaah but with this also comes responsibility. I am responsible to no one but myself to find my own happiness and sense of self-fulfillment.

That’s my post break up wanna be Gandhi rant for now. 

 

Accountability

They say a break up is like mourning a death and therefore we often compare it like going through The 7 Stages of Grieving a Breakup. If these are are true, then I was certainly stuck in the relapse stage for a couple of months, years too long. I did not want to admit it was over and thought the amount of time I had invested in wanting us to work out was so powerful that it would overcome anything. I bargained a lot of myself and what I wanted from this individual only to realize that I was like an addict who did not want to let go of the drug and anything to have it would just have to do. This meant a long road of resentment. Intense resentment. Without noticing, I began to change and lose myself along with my values because I wanted this guy to stick. Or like most women, I thought I could fix him and all his underlying issues that seem a thing of the past.

Not the case. I am not the exception to the rule and truth be told, most women are not. We like to believe we are. The Mother Theresa of fixing guys with constant conflicting issues does not exist. I don’t say this to be rude towards him or pity myself – quite the contrary – I say this wholeheartedly to make myself accountable for the mistakes I made in my past relationship that lasted four years too long. For instance, if you have not forgiven someone for their mistakes, resentment will build no matter how hard you do your best to put in double the effort for you both. I say this because if the other side is not truly sorry and makes amends for their wrongs, then they are not really asking for your forgiveness. You are probably pretending to just do it. Love doesn’t work that way and if you lie to yourself like you did, you will slowly become someone else you don’t recognize and honestly, that they don’t want to be with.

I learned A LOT from this relationship. My main problem is I kept relapsing and going back thinking I can make all the changes then act all shocked and hurt when nothing changed. Still I can sit here and wallow in that or I can hurt now and get it over with. I chose the second this time around. I will say this… Now I know why I kept going back.

Taking the hard road is that exactly…. HARD. For some reason, I thought because of all the shit we’ve been through it be somewhat easier. It hasn’t been. Not one bit. It does not make me miss him less, want him less or you got it – love him less. I read this The 5 Not-So-Pretty (But Totally Normal) Stages Of Breakup Grief and I would say I am now between #3 and #4 on a day to day basis. I go from being so mad (at myself mostly) to thinking that madness will overcome the fact that I still miss him, and then yup you guessed it, waterworks! Still if I have learned one thing about breaking up is this… you need to seriously let it out. Let it the eff out. Holding it in will make you do what I have done continuously which is to think it is better to go back to what caused you to feel this way in the first place.

With all that said, a break up is not symptomatic to everything your relationship once was. What it can be is a result of what did not work during that whole time despite your effort, sweat and tears. With that said, I know now be it a good (do these exist?) or bad breakup, you should definitely treat it as a loss. In a way, unless later on you are able to somehow maintain a friendship, you are losing your best friend and confidant. That ladies and gents, just plain sucks. It does.

Again I guess I am writing this and being extremely honest because in case I ever deter, regret or just plain feel down… I remind myself why it happen. If you gave it your all like me, I will say this… You are going to feel very shitty now. You are going to want to call him or her. At the end of the day, if it is not mutual in wanting to fix what you both thought you had for a better future, you WILL never hear or get what you want. It is better to face that tune and then get a new song.That record is scratched. Had to go cheesy there.

With that said, can’t wait to reach the last stage but I am taking my time and getting it right this time around. I know when I get there I will be grateful to what I got out of this past relationship even if it doesn’t seem like that in this particular moment. Just remember if we do not feel the bitter at times, we can’t get to the sweet (yeah yeah Vanilla Sky).

 

 

A “Mindful Minute”…

Sometimes you stumble into what you are suppose to. Instead of brushing off, we must learn to stop making excuses not only for ourselves but for others. If you keep giving someone in your life the spotlight or put them in a pedestal that they have never earned or worked for, you are just cheating yourself. Be true to yourself even if it hurts when others are not. Might hurt a little today but you are going to feel a shitload (pardon my French) better tomorrow).

“We all wander. Those who are meant to be in our lives will fall back into our arms” – The Better Man Project 

Paths twist and turn.

They sometimes split forever and sometimes they come crashing back together.

You have to love the dance of it all.

What’s right is right.

Can you trust that?

Can you trust that there is something beyond you that is building your life? 

I know it’s hard at times to see the point in everything…

But the truth is there is so much going on that we don’t see…

And so much more than we don’t understand. 

Stay open. Keep your heart open and loving.

In due time it will all make sense. 

The Mindful Minute

Old to New

You know those options you get when shopping on Ebay or Amazon?

Old, New, Damaged, Like New?

Wouldn’t it be cool if we could pick and choose the exact qualities we want or DON’T want in the next relationship? It is a known fact that you shouldn’t recycle your exes, this is coming from someone who doesn’t exactly follow this advice; I just know it to be true. If it didn’t work out the first time and you laid all the cards on the table, chances are slim (I am talking slimmmm) that it can or one person changes to the kind of individual you want to be dating. If I learned anything about dating is that when you do break up with someone, yes you should be aware of all the qualities, mistakes, experiences you don’t want to repeat. With that said, you should also give credit where credit is due. DO take the good habits and DO keep liking those great qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. This shouldn’t change, if anything, it should be enhanced. You shouldn’t go backwards. I mean when you go online shopping, once you have something old… do you really pick the “damaged” option? No. I get it is different with people and that my analogy is stretching a bit (blame it on the “wannabe” day job). The point is, when dating we shouldn’t EVER go backwards, I mean no one at their 30s really wishes to have the same mentality they had during their 20s? If you do…. Hey no judgment but good luck to you pal.

I recently had my 31^st birthday and as young woman (yes I AM STILL YOUNG) who is not married and has no kids I figured I impart my two cents to anyone who stumbles across my little old blog. Truth is, if you don’t know what you want, you will find yourself stuck in a crossroads.

Stepping Outside the Frame

You can’t see the picture when you’re in the frame. It has always been hard for me to see certain aspects of my life and what’s actually going on. The truth is, I have a certain amount of blindness. Blindness in being able to see certain things that are taking place. As time has…

via Stepping Outside Of The Frame — The Better Man Project

A must read from one of my faves.

Ride the Train

Every now and then we need a little reminder of the things we are capable of doing and achieving. Sometimes it comes from the most random places or people, the point is to not question it and just accept the message.

I can’t speak for others but I have learned that while we may be all be riding the train of life; not all the tracks are pointed towards the same path or at the same speed. Hey, at times we even get off that train… several times. The point is to always get back on.

Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing

We all know the old adage from the Bible that tells us to beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing but the same goes for the sheep who think of themselves as being a wolf.

Throughout our lives we will encounter individuals who will be boastful of their knowledge and their opinion which is in their mind… always right. I can’t speak for others but I have come across people who pretend or let on to be more confident than they appear or worse, they think of themselves as someone who can do no wrong while they are continuously stealing the rug from under you. Yes, these people exist… they come across as confident, strong individuals who want to be portrayed as independent open-minded beings. This is that same person who judges you for your mistakes or will never admit to having generally f***ed up, for lack of better words, when caught with the rug in hand.

For this particular group, I feel bad because there is nothing sadder than walking around pretending to be better than others. The solution? Well the hell if I know, I am not the big Oz at the end of the yellow brick road who hey guess what? It was just some guy who pretended he knew everything! All I can say is maybe look in the mirror and admit the wrongs, stand up to your own self and dared to really be that strong person who says “I am screwing up”. Once you do, you can take off that fake “i think i know it all” wolf outfit and be the best version of yourself without reservations. One of the biggest mistakes we humans make is blaming our flaws or bad choices on others; I did that because he/she did this – doesn’t work that way. We all have choices. Sometimes it is easier to just man/woman up to not pointing any fingers, sincerely apologizing to others and yourself too (yes! by acting that way you are wronging yourself and getting in your own way folks).

That’s my two cents for today.

Your love should never be offered…(Hafez)

Love this:

by Hafez

Love sometimes wants to do us a great favor: hold us upside down and shake all the nonsense out.

Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,
Only to someone who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.

Stay close to any sounds that make you glad you are alive.

Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you.
I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in the darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.

There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that

Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.

Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, “You owe me”

There is no pleasure without a tincture of bitterness.

 

( Taken from Paulo Coelho blogs, one of my all time favorite writers. Check out his blog: Paulo Coelho Blog  )

 

 

 

Do Over Year

Alright so last year, around this same exact time I was busy making some colossal mistakes. This year, I don’t want to be in denial that the previous year was a total bust. Yes, it had its good moments but I messed up more times that I can count with none other than decisions involving myself and what I wanted.

This isn’t just love related – it did circle around it – this was every single department. I mean trust me it is not easy to sit here and think of what I went through last year without making myself cringed. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am my worst critic. I hate judging others but I tend to dwell on the bad judgment calls I have made. Mainly the reason is because of how much time I’ve seen that I’ve wasted. I recently took a trip (Yup just like last year folks!) where I got to go to my sanctuary aka Colombia, my hometown (it’s like deja vu). Here I got to spend time with my family who were readily available with tons and tons of advice. The biggest one of all was given to me by one of my favorite uncles who said something so simple that we can let these words of wisdom just pass us by… he simply said if you are not happy, you can change it. If the person you are with or thought you wanted by your side is not creating a world that involves you smiling, let go and be with the one who will or better yet create it for yourself (Anais Nin is hopefully applauding this one). This is true after all. I spent the last year pining after my ex. No other way to put it, it was a bit pitiful in retrospect how I let myself settle for less when whole time I knew what I wanted. I wasn’t some lost early twenty-year-old who didn’t know what she want, I did, but I stuck around hoping for change because I love him and truth be told, I still do.

My mind set is just in a completely different, less cloudy, place at the moment and I want it to remain there. He is still in my life and I have a feeling he will remain there because before anything we were just friends for a very long time (I know two of his exes for god’s sakes). I do not blame the guy, not one bit. I am a big girl and I know very damn well I walked into this with my eyes wide open and my head set on stupid. It was. When someone tells you something, believe it… it is as easy as that folks. It doesn’t make them a bad person for being honest or for saying something you didn’t exactly want to hear. Now how you handle it, that is a completely different story. I definitely put myself in a hell of a compromising position allowing myself to be in a stand still for a while just to get my constant “fix” of a “could be, may happen, but can’t promise you anything” sort of moment. Now how did this affect with other areas in my life? I may have not notice it last year, but I placed ALL my effort (more than I allowed my own self to be aware of) on this particular part of my life. I did it so much that other areas of my life that I could actually change if I paid attention to them took the back burner. That is a tough cookie to swallow. The only reason I am writing and putting it out there is because I need to remind myself constantly of the big picture not the instant gratification moments.

Right now the focus is not who is on my side but the person who in front of me – myself. This year is something I need to treat as my do over year because if I am to be frank I didn’t do shit for myself last year. I did nothing that really contributed to my future. Again it is no one’s fault but my own. It may sound like I am being hard on myself to some people but honestly I think I need a kick in the head like my buddy Frank Sinatra says. I did a lot of time wasting effort on things I cannot change as oppose to things I can change. If the laws of attraction which I am so fond of are true, then I can only hope everything good I want to put out this year will come back to me.

2016 … time to do it all over again. The right way which is the opposite of anything I did last year.